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#67: New Year

Sat, 02 Jan 2010 16:38:41 GMT

What New Year? It's not really the time where I sit and reflect back on 2009, and make resolutions. Nope. I sit back and reflect every time as often as I can. I make mental notes to be a better person in my head all the time. But most of all, I didn't get my habitual long holiday to make me feel holiday-ish. School started on the 28th December, although we had New Year's Eve and New Year's Day off, I'm still bummed polytechnic academic schedule isn't the same as the junior colleges and primary and secondary schools. That's why we start our school year in April and we don't get 2 months break I think.

:(

but yeah, i'm going back to square one, to start all over, and to rethink and try to rebelieve.

#66: Note to Self - B Spot

Fri, 01 Jan 2010 13:44:17 GMT

I was walking through the departmental store one day and this brand's perfume packaging really caught my eye.

"Laugh With Me LeeLee, a woody floral designed to be fun and feminine, has top notes of cassis, melon and citrus; a heart of black violet, lily and jasmine, and a drydown of blond wood, amber and santal.There's Something About Sofia, an oriental created to be bit more free-spirited, consists of top notes of mango and freesia; middle notes of sheer lily, jasmine sambac and peony petal, and a drydown of musk, white caramel and vanilla bean. The more provocative My Place or Yours Gina has top notes of pink pepper, bergamot and tangerine; a heart of peony, wild raspberry and white lily, and base notes of patchouli, tonka bean and vanilla. The perfumes are bottled in flacons inspired by an American lady's cocktail shaker excavated from the founders' grandmother's belongings from the 1920s, back then when they knew how to party. The design was slightly modernized and recreated by Ateliers Dinand."

I liked Something About Sofia.
:)
I think I'll get it for... When I have money to spare.

#65: Note to Self

Wed, 16 Dec 2009 15:45:48 GMT

- Don't be too upset if can't get 108$ ticket for Paramore next year, as long as get a ticket that's all it matters.
- Turn It Off by above mentioned band doesn't relate lyrically but the emotions put in the song does.
- Find a close friend to confide in in the middle of the night where the other 2 are fast asleep or not replying my text or not able to take in another added burden.

#64: My Tummy Hurts

Tue, 15 Dec 2009 17:28:23 GMT

It's bloated from too much liquid. I just downed 2 coca-cola glass full of liquid. 1 cup for salty tasting alkali to neutralise my pee (potassium citrate urghhhh), and the other cup of pure aloe + pokka honeysuckle tea + water to take away the sugar in the honeysuckle. Plus my pill meds. Downed those 2 glasses within 10 minutes. They better get along well in my tummy. I'm not losing another night's sleep to... Crap. This means I gotta wake up half way to pee. I did that this morning, 5am. Couldn't sleep after because my vajayjay was too irritated. Then I managed to doze off again around 7ish.

Anyway, I was thinking. From my shower all the way to the washing of the dishes. Firstly:

Family. I don't really think much about my present family. I usually think and dream of my ideal family, my future family. What I'd do with my kids, my husband, my family. Where would we stay. Then I realized: it must be hard for my mum. She probably did the same when she was young. How she dreamt of the ideal family, the ideal home. The kind of husband she'd marry, the kind of kids she'd nurture to grow up into something nice. But her current family life doesn't reflect that. I mean, okay, reality don't usually reflect what you dream for. If it were me, I'd be CRUSHED and DEVASTATED. It must be hard for her every time she thinks back and compare her dreams to her reality, her life to her friends who seem to have awesome kids and loving husbands. Then this makes me not want to leave my mum alone, but I have to move into my own apartment because our level of cleanliness is different. Then I'd wonder if she'd be insulted that I feel sad for her. Okay, she's only 49 and very health-conscious, but I hope she'll leave happy, you know, not like all regretful and lonely.

Secondly:

I used to be like Jane from Pride & Prejudice. Not as naive as her, but I used to always recognise the human fact that certain negative behaviours are due to people's personal issues or hidden background. I would always try to understand that. But I just realised that I'm not anymore. I'm now like everyone else who are so quick to dismiss a person based on their behaviour and what I do not like, and wait till I hear about whatever shit him/her is going through or why they're like that, to then give them sympathy/empathy. I feel so blind.

Lastly, which is a rather major one:

Church. Or at least the community I'm exposed to (catechism class, youth). You know how church is like a place for people to come together and worship God and stuff? Do things for God and the community, gain support from fellow people for all sorts of journey? Well. And didn't they also say that church is like a shelter for the 'homeless' (inserts some literary device here), the lost, the broken... You know, the lonely, the friendless, the lifeless-in-the-outside-world... etc? SO WHY QUESTION PEOPLE'S REASONS FOR COMING TO CHURCH? I used to question people too. But this 'situation' of mine has made me see more things in a different angle. WHY MAKE PEOPLE FEEL BAD/GUILTY FOR COMING TO CHURCH FOR "WRONG" REASONS? I think after what I thought about from the above, there's no right or wrong reasons for coming to church to a certain extent.

#63: New Moon

Tue, 15 Dec 2009 13:05:50 GMT

Well I'm home sick today. I chose to stay home. Besides, I wanna pee painfully in comfort. So I stayed home today and am staying home the next few days before camp. I am going for camp.
:\
For Eugene.
:)

I saw this on a tumblr.

:P

#62: Burden +1

Mon, 14 Dec 2009 16:13:56 GMT

The holidays are here. I wish my UTI is gone. I wish it never came at all. Last week was the worst week ever for a long time.

Youth camp was alright. I'm just really glad its over. I was, however, really happy to see the people during youth camp. The future of the church. I was so glad to see Joseph again. Seeing how these people I've grown up with during my CC years have matured and grown, from quiet and shy to really bold and outgoing men. Amanda was a great facil for her first time. I'm so proud of my friends.

It's a hard time for me. My co-facils and I... It wasn't very beneficial for the participants in my group, personally. With my current struggles with faith and religion, I wasn't ready to lead these younger teens through sharings about faith and the community. But I HAD to because I HAD to pick up the responsibility. It's was a real burden added on.

I also wished they grouped us with another OLDER co-facil, to be the mature one, spiritually well one, the experienced one. With us at 16 and 17 years, while others had the 19-23 years seniors, you can imagine...

This blog's going back to the public. I shouldn't try to avoid it any longer.
:\

#61: Today

Mon, 30 Nov 2009 16:45:14 GMT

Today, I watched 2012. It scared me to imagine the end of the world (I always do), and I gave thought to what I would do, for once, when that day comes and I'm still living. I try to contact my dad. I don't know why, but it felt like I would really wait till the apocalypse to call him and not now. (then I'd stay wrapped in my loved ones' arms or 'put myself to sleep' if I'm alone)

Today, I felt too awkward to sing for my boyfriend on the phone. Because I hate my voice, and the standard is way too high. Insecurity, I guess. This questions my commitment and openness for my partner.

Today, I felt a bit disappointed that I'm not trying to be nice. But then, trying seems fake. But, I was never this impatient with an individual for a long time. And it seems like I'm the only one though I feel there are others but they don't say. I really was a genuine nice person.

Today, I told my classmates I am agnostic. No regrets. Though 'agnostic' sounds extreme and it doesn't feel like the right word, but then again I don't need labels right now to help me question my spirituality (no, I'm not thinking christianity here).

Today, I cried again.

But it's okay. I'm better now.

#60: Paramore

Fri, 27 Nov 2009 09:38:34 GMT

In 2005, during my whole new phase of Secondary school and music, I spend most of my time on purevolume and youtube in search of new overseas band. Then I came across Paramore. Pressure was the first song I heard from them and was immediately blown away by the then red-head female vocalist and the catchiness of the song. It was on repeat countless of time. Then I went on to search deeper into them and from then on, I became a fan.

Through AWKIF to RIOT to now, BNE, I'm glad I 'journeyed' with the band, like many other fans. The vocal progression of Hayley Williams, the different feel of each album by the band, and how I can't get bored at any of the songs unless I repeat them for a month everyday. I love how every song doesn't sound the same as another (cough angels and airwaves cough). I can honestly say that I enjoy every album they have recorded. I have maybe only 3-4 songs I don't like.

And now to those kids who have such a terrible mindset, that they boycott Paramore just because they keep getting more famous every day. The nonsense about selling out, nonsense that they sound like crap now, nonsense that they're too mainstream. I'm proud of Paramore and their success. Because they deserved it in every way.

Pressure Music Video

Brick By Boring Brick Music Video

Paramore's vocals just keep getting better, and their sound just keep getting anthemic.

And...

#59: On God & Religion

Tue, 24 Nov 2009 16:29:49 GMT

Maybe I'm a skeptic. Maybe I'm agnostic. Yes, I experienced Jesus. That experience only lets me know God exists, and that there's only 1 God. But that's a shallow root.

It's been months.

I think I'm tired of religion. Tired of feeling bad every time I don't talk to The Man Above because I want to, but because people want me to. Tired of going to church and not desire to know Him. Rules set by men; the God I'm taught about instead of discovering about. I remember better and learn better if I learn about it myself. It gives me motivation and curiosity. I get so confused with what I have in mind, what I see and what I'm being taught. It's hard to explain. Please don't get me wrong. I think Catholicism is cool: how every mass everywhere is the same content except for homilies and language, how there is only one Universal God and Universal Church, how the sign of the cross is a symbol used everywhere, and how old this religion is and the 10 commandments helped set social-spiritual morals for a lot of Catholics.

But I want to discover. Discover The Supreme Being. Discover faith. Discover my beliefs. Discover me. Without the hindrance of set laws and everlasting hypocrisy I can't bear with, which will always be there no matter what to keep the balance of nature, good and evil.

Is it possible to have faith and no religion? I'm guessing so. I think I'm going to exercise my "free will". There's nothing wrong with exploring. I'm going into seclusion for a while - away from my religion. I want to start from day zero. Start anew. I never really started on day zero. In fact, I think I started through feeding off the energy from the the people around me, and lessons that surrounded me. That already is a poor foundation. Sometimes, I wished to be those free-thinkers who only decided on a religion after they experienced, after they wanted to know more. I'm not disowning my religion, I'm just putting it aside for a while. I don't think I can ever obliterate christian thinking from me. No matter what I find, there will still be a tinge of it there to influence.

I'm not aware of the serious consequences, but I can come up with a few consequences that aren't so severe but yet... Yeah. Church friends and close friends, they're going to try to talk me out, or maybe they'll just talk to me about this. Again, I find everything about this hard to explain. A possible breakup. Persuasion against. I think I might end up avoiding some people. My limitations of thinking would be smaller, I'm won't be bound by having to think the way I'm expected to think. Maybe I won't be going for the December camp. Maybe I can't go for the December camp.

It's hard to talk. To people I'm close to, people I confide in the most, and people I don't want to talk about with. Because they are all Catholics. I'm sorry if I can't believe in God the same way you believe. And so the purpose of this public post, the only way to let you know.

#58: Because 57 was a private post

Sat, 14 Nov 2009 23:45:27 GMT

My first ever throat infection. I know I shouldn't be too excited about this when I tell people I've got throat infection, because it HURTS like hell. I can't sleep properly, eat properly and talk properly. Hell, I slept at 2AM and woke up at 7.30AM because of the pain. The medicine helps a lot, but only for a while. I feel like I have to keep taking them more than prescribed so that I won't have to go through the pain. But I won't because I'm afraid I die of overdose or something.

I was blog cruising my usual hangouts online and I found my wedding song. This song was written by Scotty Wiseman and his wife? But it's been covered by a lot of musicians like Rod Stewart, Jerry Lee Lewis, Elvis Presley and more. I like the Elvis version a lot, but Rod Stewart's version has nicer lyrics. I hope by my wedding day, I am in love with the One above. And my husband of course, but you know what I mean.

Here's the Elvis version:

And here's the Rod version:

So it's 8.16AM on a Sunday morning. But okay, I managed to sleep in yesterday. Which means I didn't go for the last day of APEC. Yes! I was involved in APEC! Now that it's over, I can blog about it.

APEC stands for Asia-Pacific Economic Cooperation. The title explains it all yeah? So President Obama was supposed to be there yesterday to give a half an hour talk, but he couldn't make it because he stopped by Japan. Disappointment. But it's okay, I didn't go for duty because I had fever and my throat was very bad. However, there was a Denmark guy, Dr Bjorn Lomberg, he participated in a dialogue about global warming nonsense. I knew from the start he would be a cool guy, and it was confirmed by his Liaison Officer, (I'm sorry I can't remember his name)! So I missed that one. But on Friday, I was in the conference hall listening to MM Lee. It was good.

Anyway, my role for APEC as a volunteer was to be the liaison officer for one of the sponsors, DHL. Basically I help out with the sponsor booth and contact another person from DHL, supplying information and answering questions, and just helping out. The ladies at the booth were really friendly and the experience was great. Although I only met them for one day, it was enjoyable. Celeste from marketing have a few friends in the video/film industry, one filmed a local band's music video which will premiere in December. I hope she remembers to call me. Melinda from sales was nice. She took some food and insisted on sharing it with me. So I had a few taste of the food which I'm not supposed to. Hey, I did politely refuse a few times okay. Yup. And I concluded, I could just sit at one corner of the place and observe the business people network and stuff all day. Because it was so interesting to observe the different kinds of people! Ask me personally for it.

If there was another opportunity to volunteer for this again, I would. (but there won't be a chance for me next time because I'll be quite old I suppose) However, I would apply for the role of Spouse Liaison Officer. Because what they get to do is accompany the delegates' spouses around Singapore for 2 days. And I think my knowledge of Singapore (as to shopping and eating and stuff) is really good enough to give recommendations.

Oh oh oh! And the toilets? LUXURY MAN. It's super clean all the time, they have crabtree & evelyn lavender hand soap and body lotion and towels to wipe your hands/face dry! Body lotion was very handy for me on my 3rd day of duty which was the first day of the conference. They gave us 2 polo tees, one red the other white. As I couldn't get my shirts washed and dried in time, I had to hand wash and wear my damp moist-smelling white polo shirt on the first official day! So I rubbed the lavender body lotion all over my shirt and it worked! I didn't stink. Felt so good.

Here's the photos I got:

It's the toilet.

From where I was standing, it's far.

Zoomed in.

I'm hungry, and my throat hurts. Gahhhhh.

My meds are overwhelmingly scary. It cost me $42.